To whom it may concern

Originally published October 7, 2004

You are stupid

You are incredibly stupid. Completely stupid. Extremely stupid. Resolutely stupid. Irremediably stupid. Undeniably stupid. Uncompromisingly stupid. Abysmally stupid. Unbelievably stupid. Fantastically stupid. Perfectly stupid. Amazingly stupid. Profoundly stupid. Indubitably stupid. You are stupid beyond measure, stupid beyond belief, stupid beyond mortal comprehension. The definitive, ultimate stupid. You're so fucking stupid it blows the mind.

Saying you are stupid is not childish name-calling: it is an inevitable, inescapable conclusion supported by all logical, empirical and physical evidence. Calling you stupid is nothing but the realisation of a self-evident truth. Your stupidity is stupefying, astounding, flabbergasting. Your stupidity is enormous, gigantic, gargantuan, titanic, cosmic.

You are so stupid that you need an hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes. You are so stupid you couldn't find your asshole even if you had a map. So stupid you put curtains on your computer screen cause you heard it runs on Windows. You are so stupid you couldn't outsmart your way out of a nosepick.

If there was a company named Stupid inc., you'd be the CoB. If there was a town called Stupidville, you'd be mayor. Stupidland? You'd be president, of course. And the Stupidsons consider you their patriarch. The National Stupidity League named you MVP. The Stupidity Hall of Fame bears your name. You invented virtual stupidity, the autostupid, the stupidomatic, stupidware, the stupidorama.

Your stupidity defies all accepted logic; it violates all physical laws of the universe. It transcends all cultures, all languages. You bring stupidity to a whole new dimension. Astrophysicians try to express your stupidity in numbers and fail. The Unified Theory of the universe will have to take your stupidity into account.

You are a mass of raw, primal stupidity so incredibly compressed no intelligent thought can escape. You are the proof that stupidity is an elemental force, stronger than light, gravity and even the nuclear forces. You are the largest single emitting source of stupidons in the Universe. The thinnest vacuum is not found in intergalactic space but in your interaural space. The relativistic universe deals with the infinitely big, the quantic universe deals with the infinitely small: your universe deals with the infinitely stupid. You are stupid squared and cubed, stupid to the nth power, exponiental, logarithmical, factorized stupid. You are the quintessence of stupidity.

You were born where men are men and sheep are nervous. You were conceived during a power failure that followed a drinking binge. Your conception was an abomination, and your birth a crime against nature. When they realized the magnitude of the heinous crime they just perpetrated, your parents slashed their wrists with rusty razor blades in the vain hope of atoning for the irreparable damage they had caused this world; visitors now line up in the cemetary to piss on their graves. On their tombstones, this epitaph: "If only we'd made a stain on the sheets instead of a stain in society!".

You are mega-stupid, trans-stupid, arch-stupid, super-stupid, hyper-stupid, giga-stupid, supra-stupid, ultra-stupid, pan-stupid, omni-stupid, stupidissimus, überstupid, stupidologist, stupidographist, stupidocrat, stupidician, stupidophile, your motto is 'stupidum ad stupidem', your philosophy is stupidism, your ethnic grouping is stupidian, your native speech is stupidese, your heritage is stupidarchy. You are stupid extraordinaire, stupid emeritus, Sir Stupid, Lord Stupid, His Stupidity, Stupidex Maximux, il Stupido de tutti stupidi, le Stupide, das Stupid, le Stupidos, International Grand Master of Stupid, Ultima Stupide.

You are Stupidity Incarnate. The Son of Stupid, sent in the world by Stupid Himself to stupidify the human race. Stupid people all over the world look to you as their Lord and Saviour. You are Stupid's warrior, Commander in Chief of the Stupid Army, Defender of Stupidity, Guardian of the Word of Stupid, Archdeacon of the Church of Stupid, Supreme Hochmeister of the Stupid Crusade, Holy Knight of the Order of the Stupid Table, Grand Wizard of the Secret Conclave of Stupid, Cosmoplanetarian Messiah of the Children of Stupid. You are the Elected, the Chosen One prophecized by the Book of Stupid.

You are an apology of stupidity. An elogy of stupidity. A symphony of stupidity. A rhapsody of stupidity. A resume of stupidity. A revelation of stupidity. An encyclopedia of stupidity. You are an idiot, a dimwit, a shit-for-brains, a turd, an imbecile, a nincompoop, a twit, a twat, a moron, a fool, an asshole, an asswipe, a spam-brain, a bimbo, a dumbbell, a mushhead, a redneck, a dickwad, a vegetable, a retard, a fucktard, a homie, a hoodie, a lamer, a poser, a loser, an ignoramus, a pseudo-intellectual, a jughead, a birdbrain, a zombie, a neocon, a thumper, a target audience, a consumer, a minus, a simpleton, a clown, a buffoon, a newfie, a newbie, a mongolian, an okie, a dope, a screwball. You are dumb, foolish, silly, thick, sheepish, brainless, simple-minded, inbred, colonial, corny, bigoted, narrow-minded, illiterate, incompetent, ignorant, dull-witted, remedial, pathetic, you're not the brightest penny in the foutain, the light's on but nobody's home, you can't count to twenty with your shoes on, you're a sorry excuse for a human being, you're fugly, you're dirty and you stink. You are an epiphany of stupidity.

For centuries, philosophers have asked the question "How stupid can one get?"; but looking at you one wonders if we really want an answer to that. Such stupidity bears not thinking too much about.

I could go on like that for hours, but I've had enough. I'm sorry, you are just too stupid. You are so stupid in fact you're probably thinking I'm not talking about you.