Originally published December 12, 2004
Saturn is in Aquarius, Jupiter in Orion and the Moon is in the gutter; so that will bring you money, happiness and health for the new year. Don't forget to send me the check when my predictions come true. Well okay, I'm not really an astrologist, and I'm not exactly doing this by the book; I suppose the real astrologists are shitting bricks while reading this. But since you're here, I would like to take this opportunity to ask you a few questions.
One thing that always intrigued me: suppose I read my horoscope, and that it forecasts a "sum of money" coming my way, does that mean that 500 million people will get some money today? 6 billion people on earth, divided by 12 signs, that's 500 million aquarii, right? Will 500 million librae find true love, while 500 million scorpios enhance their career prospects? Even factoring in the ascendants, that's well over a hundred occurences of a "sum of money". That's a lot of lucky people in one day: if a chacharrero finds a Pepsi can in a Mexico dumpyard, does that count as a "sum of money"?
When the horoscope guy gives me professional advice, does he know that I have no job? And when I read something like «small attentions will rekindle the flame with your loved one», me being a bachelor, how am I supposed to take this? It may be a little pathetic, but the closest thing I have ressembling a loved one is my computer; maybe I should offer it a modding for Christmas? I sure can't start giving flowers to my buddies, they'll beat the living shit out of me.
As a matter of fact, how does astrology work, exactly? The energy emanating from the stars in order to influence my life, where does it come from? Does it travel faster than light? Otherwise, how do two, five or ten stars in the same constellation, that could be separated by 10, 150, 20 000 light-years apart respectively manage to synchronize their energy broadcasts to have it land straight on my head, and all at the same time?
And how powerful is that energy? The Earth barely receives a billionth off all the energy emited by the Sun which is only eight light-minutes away; given that the sum decreases according to the square of the distance, there's hardly anything left after 40 light-years. While you're at it, you might as well be making predictions on the influence of the light-bulb in my living-room lamp on my love life, cause at this moment it's sending me a hell of a lot more energy than Sirius. Even if you suppose that the constellations are just used as a reference point and that the energy is actually coming from the planets, the principle remains.
And all the recently discovered planets, the ones circling nearby stars, how do they fit in on my celestial chart?
Speaking of other planets... as the earth circles around the Sun, the latter gives the illusion of moving around through the constellations: we call this the ecliptic, and that's what we made the zodiac with. Now, suppose that in the future we have colonized Mars or Jupiter's moons: the children that will be born there, say in january the Sun is in Capricorn on earth but there, from their point of view it is in Libra, or Leo, or just about anywhere: what is their astrological sign?
While we're at it: some day people will leave aboard colony ships for the stars: when they arrive at their destination, how will they know what sign they are? 5 or 10 light-years away, the relative position of most stars will not have changed significantly, but what guarantee have they that their new solar system will spin in the same direction or on the same axis. Maybe their polar star will be Vega for example. Will they have to overhaul the entire system? «What's your sign? Pegasus ascending Ursa Major». Southern Cross, is it a water sign, or earth or what? Even better, the children that were born during the journey, what's the deal with them? There's no sun in interstellar space, so no ecliptic, no zodiac, no astrological sign at all.
Or will they just pretend they're still on Earth, and keep the old system? Is there on our planet some sort of cosmic relay system that will channel stellar energy, add to it the planetary conjunction influence, and then send it all back to its recipient?
I wouldn't know, I have no experience in this, that's why I'm asking all those questions, I just want to find out; I only hope that some expert will explain it all to me. However, one thing I know for sure, no need to be an astrologist to make predictions, to wit:
For 2005*, I predict hurricanes, floods and tornadoes. The Middle-East will be in turmoil this year. Sex scandals will make the headlines. There will be bombing attacks in Israel, followed by reprisals towards palestinians. At least one satirical news site will make a joke about the terrorist state of alertness and Santa's sleigh. Michèle Richard will make an ass of herself. And you can count on me to come up next year and bug the shit out of you with "I told you so".
*Actually, that's pretty much my predictions for 2012 as well.