Originally published November 9, 2007
One practical aspect about some hate jokes is that they are permutable; all is needed to do is to substitute the target group to the one which piss us off the most, and the joke becomes much funnier. So here's a collection of jokes I gleaned here and there off the net, after correcting the numerous spelling and grammar errors (I'm starting to really believe the connection between hate and ignorance). Simply replace all instances of "you-know-what" with people that you personnally dislike.
Oh, come now, no need to look at me this way, you have one too, don't deny it; ethnic, religious or sexual minority, political opinion, sports team affiliation, economic class, profession, we all have a "you-know-what" towards whom all our lofty principles and moral outrage don't apply. If hard pressed, just use "pedophile", you can't go wrong with them, pedophiles are about the last minority on which it is still politically correct to indiscriminately bash upon. Nazis on the other hand, it may be tempting, but you really have to be a bag of bricks not to see the irony, so the fun gets spoiled somewhat – but then again there are many who won't really think twice about that.
So without further ado, here are the jokes.
How do you call 1000 you-know-what at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start
Do you know why you-know-what coffins only have two handles?
You've ever seen a trash can with four handles?
What's the difference between a dead you-know-what in the street and a dead dog in the street?
There are skidmarks in front of the dog
What's the difference between a you-know-what and a rat?
One is a loathsome vermin carrying repulsive diseases who enjoys wallowing in carrion and filth, and the other is a rodent
How do you call a you-know-what buried in concrete to the neck?
A concrete shortage
Where can you find a good you-know-what?
The cemetary
What's the difference between a you-know-what and an onion?
We cry when we cut the onion
A guy walks into a bar holding a crocodile on a leash; he asks the bartender "you serve you-know-whats here?"
The bartender answers "Yes, of course"
And the guys goes "Great, that will be one beer for me and one you-know-what for my crocodile"
How do you call a you-know-what with half a brain?
Gifted
A you-know-what shows up at the Pearly Gates; St-Peter looks at him and says "Sorry, you-know-whats are not allowed in Heaven!"
- But I'm a good person! says the you know-what; once I gave 20 dollars to a beggar!
- That's it?
- Another time I gave 20 dollars to a foundation!
- Oh really?
- And then one time I found 20 dollars in a wallet, and I gave it back to its owner!
St-Peter is hardy impressed but he tells the you-know-what to wait and he goes inside to talk to God. After a couple of minutes he comes back and gives a wad of bills to the you know-what saying "Here's your sixty bucks! Now go to Hell!"
How do you get a you-know-what down a tree?"
You cut the rope
What do you-know-whats use as a contraceptive?
Their personnality
You are locked in a cage with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a you-know-what. You have a rifle but only two bullets: what should you do?
Shoot the you-know-what – twice
What's the difference between a you-know-what and a trampoline?
You take your boots off to jump on the trampoline
One time there's this guy driving a truck on the highway. He is the kind of guy who really enjoys running over you-know-whats with his truck, because like, he really hates them; every time he sees a you-know-what he just can't control himself, he has to squash him and scratch an X on his dashboard.
So one fine day he picks up this preacher who was hitchhiking. After a few kilometers he sees a you-know-what on the side of the highway; he's about to make a swerve to hit him but thinks the better of it and barely misses him; he casts a glance at the preacher and mumbles "I'm sorry rev. I don't know what got into me"; the preacher justs looks at him disapprovingly muttering "tut tut tut".
A little later he sees another you-know-what; again he makes for him only to change his mind at the last fraction of a second; again he looks sideways at the preacher and apologizes profusely; again the preacher shakes his head and goes "tut tut tut".
Some more kilometers later yet another you-know-what is standing on the shoulder lane. This time it's just too much, three you-know-whats in less than half an hour, it's a new record, he thinks, he just have to nail this one. So one more time he aligns his course to get him head-on, and one more time he changes his idea just before impact, but this time it's too late and he hears a boom while he sees in his rearview mirror bits and pieces of you-know-what flying all over the pavement. Mortified, he glances at the preacher who promptly starts admonishing him: "You're behavior is absolutely inappropriate my son!"
- I'm sorry reverend, please forgive me, mea culpa, I won't do it again!
- You ought to be ashamed of yourself! You almost hit two you-know-whats!
- Pardon me reverend!
- And if I haven't opened the door, you would have missed the last one as well!"
What's that? What is my you-know-what? Wait, you don't know? Why, it's you of course! No, not you, the other one behind. Yeah that's right, no use in hiding. Sorry to tell you that, I thought you knew.