TODAY IS INTERNATIONAL CAPS-LOCK DAY!! THIS IS THE DAY WHEN WE CAN YELL, SCREAM, HOLLER IN ALL-CAPS ALL WE WANT. YEAHHH!!!!! TODAY WE FUCKING VENT OUR SPLEEN! GO AHEAD, WRITE EVERYTHING IN ALL-CAPS, YOUR BLOG POSTS, YOUR E-MAILS, YOUR HOMEWORK, YOUR FUCKING GROCERY LISTS GOD DAMMMIT!!! ANY OTHER DAY IN THE YEAR IT IS RUDE, IT'S A BLATANT DISREGARD OF GOOD MANNERS CONTRARY TO ALL ELEMENTARY RULES OF NETIQUETTE, BUT TODAY IT IS OKAY, GO AHEAD AND GET WILD!
AH, SHIT, WHY STOP THERE? I DECREE THIS DAY OCTOBER 22ND TO BE FROM NOW ON INTERNATIONAL BOLD TYPE DAY ON TOP OF CAPS-LOCK!!! AND FUCK THIS, ARE WE GONNA BLOW IT OFF OR WON'T WE!!!??! BOLD-FACE TYPE, ALL-CAPS, AND ON TOP OF ALL THIS INTERNATIONAL EXCLAMATION POINT DAY!!!111!!111!! AND WHAT THE HELL, I ALSO DECREE THIS DAY TO BE INTERNATIONAL UNDERLINE, RED, AND IN 36 FUCKING POINTS FONT-SIZE!!!1111!!!111111!!!! CUM ON FEEL THE NOIIIIIISSE, WE GET WIIIIIILD WIIIIILLLD WIIIILLD!!!!!11111!!11!!11111
I WANT YOU TO GET UP NOW, I WANT YOU ALL TO PRESS YOUR CAPS-LOCK KEY, I WANT THE LITTLE GREEN LIGHT ON YOUR KEYBOARD BLINDING EVERYONE IN THE ROOM!!111!! I WANT YOU TO TYPE ALL OF YOUR SENTENCES WITH A MINIMUM OF 5 EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!!111?!??111! I WANT YOU TO GO TO THE WINDOW, OPEN IT, STICK YOUR HEAD OUT AND SCREAM AT THE TOP OF YOUR LUNGS "I'M AS MAD AS HELL, AND I'M WRITING EVERYTHING IN CAPITAAAAAAAALS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I WANT YOU TO I WANT YOU ER, I WANt you to... oh damn, too late, it's midnight, the day is over, now now, calm down. Try again next year.
And quit yelling like that, dude, what the hell is wrong with you, come on, where have you been raised?
Showing posts with label Yeah whatever. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Yeah whatever. Show all posts
October 23, 2011
March 26, 2011
My electoral program
Originally published March 3, 2007
It is with no small amount of pride and joy that I officially declare my candidacy for the upcoming canadian federal elections. And I'm proud as well to announce the formation of my new party, Your Party, of which I'm the only member so far but which I'm sure you will not hesitate to join in great numbers, as it is a party with novel ideas proposing concrete solutions for building a better Canada, and even a better world.
You are probably thinking "yeah, sure, a new party, but the same old promises yet again". Well yes, you will hear promises, but this time, there really is a new angle: these promises will be made by you. That's right, my fellow electors, this party is Your Party, and its promises will be your promises!
Your Party will make health one of its topmost priorities: you will therefore solennelly pledge to exercise more, to try not to eat so much junk food, and to quit smoking: together, you will contribute to alleviate the burden on our overcrowded emergency wards.
Education is another important preoccupation of Your Party. Your program will promote culture and reading, endorse the arts and will take an active part in our youth's education; you promise to once in a while watch something else than reality tv or soaps, and to make an effort to expand your musical tastes beyond the 800 or so available titles at Wal-Mart or Canadian Tire. You pledge to keep yourself informed on history as well as current news, for at Your Party you find it intolerable that a people who ignores the causes of World War I or fails to point Iraq on a map can consider itself fit to self-govern.
Your Party is also concerned about the environment: concrete measures will be adopted to improve air quality, such as the purchase of a less energy-consuming vehicle and changing your driving habits in favor of more responsible ones. Your Party will put everything in its power to end the reign of the automobilist-king, and from then on will quit looking to the car as a status symbol, a toy for overgrown brats or a compensation aimed at soothing some psychological complex of a sexual nature. The valuable contribution of pedestrians and cyclists towards a green society will finally be recognized for its full value, and you will from now on yield them priority no matter what the indications are. Never you will hold the "delinquent cyclist" type of rhetoric anymore.
Finally, Your Party will grab the bull by the horns to restore the economy, and will spare no effort to reduce the public debt. You pledge to never again purchase any product or service you can not pay in cash, to get rid once and for all of everyone of your credit cards, and to stop placing your properties on mortgage. You at Your Party have fully understood that no state will ever be able to balance its budget as long as its population remains up to its neck in debt.
Your Party proposes new ideas, new solutions that call upon you: it rejects the old backwards ideas, and from now on refuse to listen to demagogues, those peddlers of easy solutions and cheap providers of ready-made scapegoats. Thanks to Your Party, you will at last be able to proclaim "We the State", for democracy means power of the people, and the people is Your Party. With your efforts and your leadership, Your Party will finally form the real providence state.
I wish you and Your Party the best of luck, but I'll be honest, I ain't gonna vote for you. I know you voters all too well, you never hold your promises.
It is with no small amount of pride and joy that I officially declare my candidacy for the upcoming canadian federal elections. And I'm proud as well to announce the formation of my new party, Your Party, of which I'm the only member so far but which I'm sure you will not hesitate to join in great numbers, as it is a party with novel ideas proposing concrete solutions for building a better Canada, and even a better world.
You are probably thinking "yeah, sure, a new party, but the same old promises yet again". Well yes, you will hear promises, but this time, there really is a new angle: these promises will be made by you. That's right, my fellow electors, this party is Your Party, and its promises will be your promises!
Your Party will make health one of its topmost priorities: you will therefore solennelly pledge to exercise more, to try not to eat so much junk food, and to quit smoking: together, you will contribute to alleviate the burden on our overcrowded emergency wards.
Education is another important preoccupation of Your Party. Your program will promote culture and reading, endorse the arts and will take an active part in our youth's education; you promise to once in a while watch something else than reality tv or soaps, and to make an effort to expand your musical tastes beyond the 800 or so available titles at Wal-Mart or Canadian Tire. You pledge to keep yourself informed on history as well as current news, for at Your Party you find it intolerable that a people who ignores the causes of World War I or fails to point Iraq on a map can consider itself fit to self-govern.
Your Party is also concerned about the environment: concrete measures will be adopted to improve air quality, such as the purchase of a less energy-consuming vehicle and changing your driving habits in favor of more responsible ones. Your Party will put everything in its power to end the reign of the automobilist-king, and from then on will quit looking to the car as a status symbol, a toy for overgrown brats or a compensation aimed at soothing some psychological complex of a sexual nature. The valuable contribution of pedestrians and cyclists towards a green society will finally be recognized for its full value, and you will from now on yield them priority no matter what the indications are. Never you will hold the "delinquent cyclist" type of rhetoric anymore.
Finally, Your Party will grab the bull by the horns to restore the economy, and will spare no effort to reduce the public debt. You pledge to never again purchase any product or service you can not pay in cash, to get rid once and for all of everyone of your credit cards, and to stop placing your properties on mortgage. You at Your Party have fully understood that no state will ever be able to balance its budget as long as its population remains up to its neck in debt.
Your Party proposes new ideas, new solutions that call upon you: it rejects the old backwards ideas, and from now on refuse to listen to demagogues, those peddlers of easy solutions and cheap providers of ready-made scapegoats. Thanks to Your Party, you will at last be able to proclaim "We the State", for democracy means power of the people, and the people is Your Party. With your efforts and your leadership, Your Party will finally form the real providence state.
I wish you and Your Party the best of luck, but I'll be honest, I ain't gonna vote for you. I know you voters all too well, you never hold your promises.
November 8, 2010
So much hate
Originally published November 9, 2007
One practical aspect about some hate jokes is that they are permutable; all is needed to do is to substitute the target group to the one which piss us off the most, and the joke becomes much funnier. So here's a collection of jokes I gleaned here and there off the net, after correcting the numerous spelling and grammar errors (I'm starting to really believe the connection between hate and ignorance). Simply replace all instances of "you-know-what" with people that you personnally dislike.
Oh, come now, no need to look at me this way, you have one too, don't deny it; ethnic, religious or sexual minority, political opinion, sports team affiliation, economic class, profession, we all have a "you-know-what" towards whom all our lofty principles and moral outrage don't apply. If hard pressed, just use "pedophile", you can't go wrong with them, pedophiles are about the last minority on which it is still politically correct to indiscriminately bash upon. Nazis on the other hand, it may be tempting, but you really have to be a bag of bricks not to see the irony, so the fun gets spoiled somewhat – but then again there are many who won't really think twice about that.
So without further ado, here are the jokes.
How do you call 1000 you-know-what at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start
Do you know why you-know-what coffins only have two handles?
You've ever seen a trash can with four handles?
What's the difference between a dead you-know-what in the street and a dead dog in the street?
There are skidmarks in front of the dog
What's the difference between a you-know-what and a rat?
One is a loathsome vermin carrying repulsive diseases who enjoys wallowing in carrion and filth, and the other is a rodent
How do you call a you-know-what buried in concrete to the neck?
A concrete shortage
Where can you find a good you-know-what?
The cemetary
What's the difference between a you-know-what and an onion?
We cry when we cut the onion
A guy walks into a bar holding a crocodile on a leash; he asks the bartender "you serve you-know-whats here?"
The bartender answers "Yes, of course"
And the guys goes "Great, that will be one beer for me and one you-know-what for my crocodile"
How do you call a you-know-what with half a brain?
Gifted
A you-know-what shows up at the Pearly Gates; St-Peter looks at him and says "Sorry, you-know-whats are not allowed in Heaven!"
- But I'm a good person! says the you know-what; once I gave 20 dollars to a beggar!
- That's it?
- Another time I gave 20 dollars to a foundation!
- Oh really?
- And then one time I found 20 dollars in a wallet, and I gave it back to its owner!
St-Peter is hardy impressed but he tells the you-know-what to wait and he goes inside to talk to God. After a couple of minutes he comes back and gives a wad of bills to the you know-what saying "Here's your sixty bucks! Now go to Hell!"
How do you get a you-know-what down a tree?"
You cut the rope
What do you-know-whats use as a contraceptive?
Their personnality
You are locked in a cage with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a you-know-what. You have a rifle but only two bullets: what should you do?
Shoot the you-know-what – twice
What's the difference between a you-know-what and a trampoline?
You take your boots off to jump on the trampoline
One time there's this guy driving a truck on the highway. He is the kind of guy who really enjoys running over you-know-whats with his truck, because like, he really hates them; every time he sees a you-know-what he just can't control himself, he has to squash him and scratch an X on his dashboard.
So one fine day he picks up this preacher who was hitchhiking. After a few kilometers he sees a you-know-what on the side of the highway; he's about to make a swerve to hit him but thinks the better of it and barely misses him; he casts a glance at the preacher and mumbles "I'm sorry rev. I don't know what got into me"; the preacher justs looks at him disapprovingly muttering "tut tut tut".
A little later he sees another you-know-what; again he makes for him only to change his mind at the last fraction of a second; again he looks sideways at the preacher and apologizes profusely; again the preacher shakes his head and goes "tut tut tut".
Some more kilometers later yet another you-know-what is standing on the shoulder lane. This time it's just too much, three you-know-whats in less than half an hour, it's a new record, he thinks, he just have to nail this one. So one more time he aligns his course to get him head-on, and one more time he changes his idea just before impact, but this time it's too late and he hears a boom while he sees in his rearview mirror bits and pieces of you-know-what flying all over the pavement. Mortified, he glances at the preacher who promptly starts admonishing him: "You're behavior is absolutely inappropriate my son!"
- I'm sorry reverend, please forgive me, mea culpa, I won't do it again!
- You ought to be ashamed of yourself! You almost hit two you-know-whats!
- Pardon me reverend!
- And if I haven't opened the door, you would have missed the last one as well!"
What's that? What is my you-know-what? Wait, you don't know? Why, it's you of course! No, not you, the other one behind. Yeah that's right, no use in hiding. Sorry to tell you that, I thought you knew.
One practical aspect about some hate jokes is that they are permutable; all is needed to do is to substitute the target group to the one which piss us off the most, and the joke becomes much funnier. So here's a collection of jokes I gleaned here and there off the net, after correcting the numerous spelling and grammar errors (I'm starting to really believe the connection between hate and ignorance). Simply replace all instances of "you-know-what" with people that you personnally dislike.
Oh, come now, no need to look at me this way, you have one too, don't deny it; ethnic, religious or sexual minority, political opinion, sports team affiliation, economic class, profession, we all have a "you-know-what" towards whom all our lofty principles and moral outrage don't apply. If hard pressed, just use "pedophile", you can't go wrong with them, pedophiles are about the last minority on which it is still politically correct to indiscriminately bash upon. Nazis on the other hand, it may be tempting, but you really have to be a bag of bricks not to see the irony, so the fun gets spoiled somewhat – but then again there are many who won't really think twice about that.
So without further ado, here are the jokes.
How do you call 1000 you-know-what at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start
Do you know why you-know-what coffins only have two handles?
You've ever seen a trash can with four handles?
What's the difference between a dead you-know-what in the street and a dead dog in the street?
There are skidmarks in front of the dog
What's the difference between a you-know-what and a rat?
One is a loathsome vermin carrying repulsive diseases who enjoys wallowing in carrion and filth, and the other is a rodent
How do you call a you-know-what buried in concrete to the neck?
A concrete shortage
Where can you find a good you-know-what?
The cemetary
What's the difference between a you-know-what and an onion?
We cry when we cut the onion
A guy walks into a bar holding a crocodile on a leash; he asks the bartender "you serve you-know-whats here?"
The bartender answers "Yes, of course"
And the guys goes "Great, that will be one beer for me and one you-know-what for my crocodile"
How do you call a you-know-what with half a brain?
Gifted
A you-know-what shows up at the Pearly Gates; St-Peter looks at him and says "Sorry, you-know-whats are not allowed in Heaven!"
- But I'm a good person! says the you know-what; once I gave 20 dollars to a beggar!
- That's it?
- Another time I gave 20 dollars to a foundation!
- Oh really?
- And then one time I found 20 dollars in a wallet, and I gave it back to its owner!
St-Peter is hardy impressed but he tells the you-know-what to wait and he goes inside to talk to God. After a couple of minutes he comes back and gives a wad of bills to the you know-what saying "Here's your sixty bucks! Now go to Hell!"
How do you get a you-know-what down a tree?"
You cut the rope
What do you-know-whats use as a contraceptive?
Their personnality
You are locked in a cage with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a you-know-what. You have a rifle but only two bullets: what should you do?
Shoot the you-know-what – twice
What's the difference between a you-know-what and a trampoline?
You take your boots off to jump on the trampoline
One time there's this guy driving a truck on the highway. He is the kind of guy who really enjoys running over you-know-whats with his truck, because like, he really hates them; every time he sees a you-know-what he just can't control himself, he has to squash him and scratch an X on his dashboard.
So one fine day he picks up this preacher who was hitchhiking. After a few kilometers he sees a you-know-what on the side of the highway; he's about to make a swerve to hit him but thinks the better of it and barely misses him; he casts a glance at the preacher and mumbles "I'm sorry rev. I don't know what got into me"; the preacher justs looks at him disapprovingly muttering "tut tut tut".
A little later he sees another you-know-what; again he makes for him only to change his mind at the last fraction of a second; again he looks sideways at the preacher and apologizes profusely; again the preacher shakes his head and goes "tut tut tut".
Some more kilometers later yet another you-know-what is standing on the shoulder lane. This time it's just too much, three you-know-whats in less than half an hour, it's a new record, he thinks, he just have to nail this one. So one more time he aligns his course to get him head-on, and one more time he changes his idea just before impact, but this time it's too late and he hears a boom while he sees in his rearview mirror bits and pieces of you-know-what flying all over the pavement. Mortified, he glances at the preacher who promptly starts admonishing him: "You're behavior is absolutely inappropriate my son!"
- I'm sorry reverend, please forgive me, mea culpa, I won't do it again!
- You ought to be ashamed of yourself! You almost hit two you-know-whats!
- Pardon me reverend!
- And if I haven't opened the door, you would have missed the last one as well!"
What's that? What is my you-know-what? Wait, you don't know? Why, it's you of course! No, not you, the other one behind. Yeah that's right, no use in hiding. Sorry to tell you that, I thought you knew.
June 25, 2010
Quiz: Are you stupid?
Originally published August 4, 2005
Directions: one, you answer questions. Two, you see results bottom page. Then, you send questionnaire to friend so friend fill too. We clear? You reading okay?
How would you describe the state of your general culture?
1) On hold
2) Disconnected
3) Vegetative
4) Blonde
5) You are my favorite blogger, I own all of your albums.
Do you struggle with orthograph? i.e. do you make many spelling errors?
1) Hey, you made a eror on "speling"!
2) You also made a eror on "eror"! Like, you should talk.
3) Only when I write
4) 2 mistakes per word, is that considered a lot?
5) Oh yes, I would like to have your orthograph
What is your philosophy in life?
1) I may not be pretty, but I ain't smart either
2) I think, so... err, therefore... I... think... errr
3) 36 C
4) Anything that looks good on a car bumper
5) Can you repeat the question?
Are you subject to cognitive dissonances relatively to sensorial stimuli from your psycho-affective environment, and how does it influence your level of awareness towards the upsurge of the new socio-cultural paradigms?
1) Er ...?
2) The what in what now...?
3) ......
4) ....eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.....
5) Hi, I'm a first time caller, long time listener
Choose the sentence that best describes your intellectual capacities.
1) The light is on, but nobody's home
2) The wheel is turning, but the hamster's dead
3) I catch quickly, but I need to be explained for quite a while
4) The switch is turned on but the bulb is burnt out
5) Congratulations for your show
Here are six x-rays taken from various brains; choose the one that ressemble yours the most.
Answer true or false to the following questions:
I need an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes (True) (False)
I can't count to twenty without taking my shoes off (True) (False)
My intellectual quotient is a three digit figure, provided you include the decimals. (True) (False)
My ECG indicates "The number you are trying to reach is out of service" (True) (False)
Lastly, tell us who will sent this questionnaire to and why
1) To laugh together at the morons as a means of complicity
2) Because he (she) is a moron
3) I say 1) but mean 2)
RESULTS: If you answer any one of the preceding questions, you officially classify in the stupid category. Seriously.
Directions: one, you answer questions. Two, you see results bottom page. Then, you send questionnaire to friend so friend fill too. We clear? You reading okay?
How would you describe the state of your general culture?
1) On hold
2) Disconnected
3) Vegetative
4) Blonde
5) You are my favorite blogger, I own all of your albums.
Do you struggle with orthograph? i.e. do you make many spelling errors?
1) Hey, you made a eror on "speling"!
2) You also made a eror on "eror"! Like, you should talk.
3) Only when I write
4) 2 mistakes per word, is that considered a lot?
5) Oh yes, I would like to have your orthograph
What is your philosophy in life?
1) I may not be pretty, but I ain't smart either
2) I think, so... err, therefore... I... think... errr
3) 36 C
4) Anything that looks good on a car bumper
5) Can you repeat the question?
Are you subject to cognitive dissonances relatively to sensorial stimuli from your psycho-affective environment, and how does it influence your level of awareness towards the upsurge of the new socio-cultural paradigms?
1) Er ...?
2) The what in what now...?
3) ......
4) ....eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.....
5) Hi, I'm a first time caller, long time listener
Choose the sentence that best describes your intellectual capacities.
1) The light is on, but nobody's home
2) The wheel is turning, but the hamster's dead
3) I catch quickly, but I need to be explained for quite a while
4) The switch is turned on but the bulb is burnt out
5) Congratulations for your show
Here are six x-rays taken from various brains; choose the one that ressemble yours the most.
Answer true or false to the following questions:
I need an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes (True) (False)
I can't count to twenty without taking my shoes off (True) (False)
My intellectual quotient is a three digit figure, provided you include the decimals. (True) (False)
My ECG indicates "The number you are trying to reach is out of service" (True) (False)
Lastly, tell us who will sent this questionnaire to and why
1) To laugh together at the morons as a means of complicity
2) Because he (she) is a moron
3) I say 1) but mean 2)
RESULTS: If you answer any one of the preceding questions, you officially classify in the stupid category. Seriously.
June 6, 2010
Top 10 reasons why I hate top ten lists
Originally published April 17, 2007
- 10 – Every one is doing it; it's a cliche as old as time itself, it's getting tired.
- 9 – It has no scientific value or no objectiveness whatsoever; people put whatever they feel like in their toplists in an unapologetically arbitrary fashion.
- 8 – It's too easy; any moron and his grandma can rig a toplist; all you need is a topic and ten platitudes to say on it.
- 7 – It's been done to death: from the top ten nose-picking techniques to the top ten reasons why the weather is nice, there isn't any theme left that hasn't already been the subject of a top ten list. The well has run dry.
- 6 – Too many people haven't really understood the concept and put two or three items in a single entry, so that their top ten becomes a top 11 or 12. Also, too many people wrongly assume that peddling self-derision will make their list less lame.
- 5 – The vast majority of toplists deal with topics nobody even gives a flying fuck about.
- 4 – U mai hav a toplist on ur skyblog but u wil b still a moron and u ll rite as bad lol
- 3 – It's obvious padding. From inept talk-shows to blogs desperately groping for a meme, toplists have become a crutch compensating for the lack of content. It is especially symptomatic of a blogger that ran fresh out of ideas and hasn't posted in like, about a month and a half.
- 2 – Toplists are more often than not made by pompous asses who figure that because they have a blog they can write whatever they want in it.
And the number 1 reason why I hate toplists:
- 1 – Because it's my blog and I can write whatever I want in it
Next time, the top ten reasons why my blog is falling apart at the seams
May 10, 2010
To whom it may concern
Originally published October 7, 2004
You are stupid
You are incredibly stupid. Completely stupid. Extremely stupid. Resolutely stupid. Irremediably stupid. Undeniably stupid. Uncompromisingly stupid. Abysmally stupid. Unbelievably stupid. Fantastically stupid. Perfectly stupid. Amazingly stupid. Profoundly stupid. Indubitably stupid. You are stupid beyond measure, stupid beyond belief, stupid beyond mortal comprehension. The definitive, ultimate stupid. You're so fucking stupid it blows the mind.
Saying you are stupid is not childish name-calling: it is an inevitable, inescapable conclusion supported by all logical, empirical and physical evidence. Calling you stupid is nothing but the realisation of a self-evident truth. Your stupidity is stupefying, astounding, flabbergasting. Your stupidity is enormous, gigantic, gargantuan, titanic, cosmic.
You are so stupid that you need an hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes. You are so stupid you couldn't find your asshole even if you had a map. So stupid you put curtains on your computer screen cause you heard it runs on Windows. You are so stupid you couldn't outsmart your way out of a nosepick.
If there was a company named Stupid inc., you'd be the CoB. If there was a town called Stupidville, you'd be mayor. Stupidland? You'd be president, of course. And the Stupidsons consider you their patriarch. The National Stupidity League named you MVP. The Stupidity Hall of Fame bears your name. You invented virtual stupidity, the autostupid, the stupidomatic, stupidware, the stupidorama.
Your stupidity defies all accepted logic; it violates all physical laws of the universe. It transcends all cultures, all languages. You bring stupidity to a whole new dimension. Astrophysicians try to express your stupidity in numbers and fail. The Unified Theory of the universe will have to take your stupidity into account.
You are a mass of raw, primal stupidity so incredibly compressed no intelligent thought can escape. You are the proof that stupidity is an elemental force, stronger than light, gravity and even the nuclear forces. You are the largest single emitting source of stupidons in the Universe. The thinnest vacuum is not found in intergalactic space but in your interaural space. The relativistic universe deals with the infinitely big, the quantic universe deals with the infinitely small: your universe deals with the infinitely stupid. You are stupid squared and cubed, stupid to the nth power, exponiental, logarithmical, factorized stupid. You are the quintessence of stupidity.
You were born where men are men and sheep are nervous. You were conceived during a power failure that followed a drinking binge. Your conception was an abomination, and your birth a crime against nature. When they realized the magnitude of the heinous crime they just perpetrated, your parents slashed their wrists with rusty razor blades in the vain hope of atoning for the irreparable damage they had caused this world; visitors now line up in the cemetary to piss on their graves. On their tombstones, this epitaph: "If only we'd made a stain on the sheets instead of a stain in society!".
You are mega-stupid, trans-stupid, arch-stupid, super-stupid, hyper-stupid, giga-stupid, supra-stupid, ultra-stupid, pan-stupid, omni-stupid, stupidissimus, überstupid, stupidologist, stupidographist, stupidocrat, stupidician, stupidophile, your motto is 'stupidum ad stupidem', your philosophy is stupidism, your ethnic grouping is stupidian, your native speech is stupidese, your heritage is stupidarchy. You are stupid extraordinaire, stupid emeritus, Sir Stupid, Lord Stupid, His Stupidity, Stupidex Maximux, il Stupido de tutti stupidi, le Stupide, das Stupid, le Stupidos, International Grand Master of Stupid, Ultima Stupide.
You are Stupidity Incarnate. The Son of Stupid, sent in the world by Stupid Himself to stupidify the human race. Stupid people all over the world look to you as their Lord and Saviour. You are Stupid's warrior, Commander in Chief of the Stupid Army, Defender of Stupidity, Guardian of the Word of Stupid, Archdeacon of the Church of Stupid, Supreme Hochmeister of the Stupid Crusade, Holy Knight of the Order of the Stupid Table, Grand Wizard of the Secret Conclave of Stupid, Cosmoplanetarian Messiah of the Children of Stupid. You are the Elected, the Chosen One prophecized by the Book of Stupid.
You are an apology of stupidity. An elogy of stupidity. A symphony of stupidity. A rhapsody of stupidity. A resume of stupidity. A revelation of stupidity. An encyclopedia of stupidity. You are an idiot, a dimwit, a shit-for-brains, a turd, an imbecile, a nincompoop, a twit, a twat, a moron, a fool, an asshole, an asswipe, a spam-brain, a bimbo, a dumbbell, a mushhead, a redneck, a dickwad, a vegetable, a retard, a fucktard, a homie, a hoodie, a lamer, a poser, a loser, an ignoramus, a pseudo-intellectual, a jughead, a birdbrain, a zombie, a neocon, a thumper, a target audience, a consumer, a minus, a simpleton, a clown, a buffoon, a newfie, a newbie, a mongolian, an okie, a dope, a screwball. You are dumb, foolish, silly, thick, sheepish, brainless, simple-minded, inbred, colonial, corny, bigoted, narrow-minded, illiterate, incompetent, ignorant, dull-witted, remedial, pathetic, you're not the brightest penny in the foutain, the light's on but nobody's home, you can't count to twenty with your shoes on, you're a sorry excuse for a human being, you're fugly, you're dirty and you stink. You are an epiphany of stupidity.
For centuries, philosophers have asked the question "How stupid can one get?"; but looking at you one wonders if we really want an answer to that. Such stupidity bears not thinking too much about.
I could go on like that for hours, but I've had enough. I'm sorry, you are just too stupid. You are so stupid in fact you're probably thinking I'm not talking about you.
You are stupid
You are incredibly stupid. Completely stupid. Extremely stupid. Resolutely stupid. Irremediably stupid. Undeniably stupid. Uncompromisingly stupid. Abysmally stupid. Unbelievably stupid. Fantastically stupid. Perfectly stupid. Amazingly stupid. Profoundly stupid. Indubitably stupid. You are stupid beyond measure, stupid beyond belief, stupid beyond mortal comprehension. The definitive, ultimate stupid. You're so fucking stupid it blows the mind.
Saying you are stupid is not childish name-calling: it is an inevitable, inescapable conclusion supported by all logical, empirical and physical evidence. Calling you stupid is nothing but the realisation of a self-evident truth. Your stupidity is stupefying, astounding, flabbergasting. Your stupidity is enormous, gigantic, gargantuan, titanic, cosmic.
You are so stupid that you need an hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes. You are so stupid you couldn't find your asshole even if you had a map. So stupid you put curtains on your computer screen cause you heard it runs on Windows. You are so stupid you couldn't outsmart your way out of a nosepick.
If there was a company named Stupid inc., you'd be the CoB. If there was a town called Stupidville, you'd be mayor. Stupidland? You'd be president, of course. And the Stupidsons consider you their patriarch. The National Stupidity League named you MVP. The Stupidity Hall of Fame bears your name. You invented virtual stupidity, the autostupid, the stupidomatic, stupidware, the stupidorama.
Your stupidity defies all accepted logic; it violates all physical laws of the universe. It transcends all cultures, all languages. You bring stupidity to a whole new dimension. Astrophysicians try to express your stupidity in numbers and fail. The Unified Theory of the universe will have to take your stupidity into account.
You are a mass of raw, primal stupidity so incredibly compressed no intelligent thought can escape. You are the proof that stupidity is an elemental force, stronger than light, gravity and even the nuclear forces. You are the largest single emitting source of stupidons in the Universe. The thinnest vacuum is not found in intergalactic space but in your interaural space. The relativistic universe deals with the infinitely big, the quantic universe deals with the infinitely small: your universe deals with the infinitely stupid. You are stupid squared and cubed, stupid to the nth power, exponiental, logarithmical, factorized stupid. You are the quintessence of stupidity.
You were born where men are men and sheep are nervous. You were conceived during a power failure that followed a drinking binge. Your conception was an abomination, and your birth a crime against nature. When they realized the magnitude of the heinous crime they just perpetrated, your parents slashed their wrists with rusty razor blades in the vain hope of atoning for the irreparable damage they had caused this world; visitors now line up in the cemetary to piss on their graves. On their tombstones, this epitaph: "If only we'd made a stain on the sheets instead of a stain in society!".
You are mega-stupid, trans-stupid, arch-stupid, super-stupid, hyper-stupid, giga-stupid, supra-stupid, ultra-stupid, pan-stupid, omni-stupid, stupidissimus, überstupid, stupidologist, stupidographist, stupidocrat, stupidician, stupidophile, your motto is 'stupidum ad stupidem', your philosophy is stupidism, your ethnic grouping is stupidian, your native speech is stupidese, your heritage is stupidarchy. You are stupid extraordinaire, stupid emeritus, Sir Stupid, Lord Stupid, His Stupidity, Stupidex Maximux, il Stupido de tutti stupidi, le Stupide, das Stupid, le Stupidos, International Grand Master of Stupid, Ultima Stupide.
You are Stupidity Incarnate. The Son of Stupid, sent in the world by Stupid Himself to stupidify the human race. Stupid people all over the world look to you as their Lord and Saviour. You are Stupid's warrior, Commander in Chief of the Stupid Army, Defender of Stupidity, Guardian of the Word of Stupid, Archdeacon of the Church of Stupid, Supreme Hochmeister of the Stupid Crusade, Holy Knight of the Order of the Stupid Table, Grand Wizard of the Secret Conclave of Stupid, Cosmoplanetarian Messiah of the Children of Stupid. You are the Elected, the Chosen One prophecized by the Book of Stupid.
You are an apology of stupidity. An elogy of stupidity. A symphony of stupidity. A rhapsody of stupidity. A resume of stupidity. A revelation of stupidity. An encyclopedia of stupidity. You are an idiot, a dimwit, a shit-for-brains, a turd, an imbecile, a nincompoop, a twit, a twat, a moron, a fool, an asshole, an asswipe, a spam-brain, a bimbo, a dumbbell, a mushhead, a redneck, a dickwad, a vegetable, a retard, a fucktard, a homie, a hoodie, a lamer, a poser, a loser, an ignoramus, a pseudo-intellectual, a jughead, a birdbrain, a zombie, a neocon, a thumper, a target audience, a consumer, a minus, a simpleton, a clown, a buffoon, a newfie, a newbie, a mongolian, an okie, a dope, a screwball. You are dumb, foolish, silly, thick, sheepish, brainless, simple-minded, inbred, colonial, corny, bigoted, narrow-minded, illiterate, incompetent, ignorant, dull-witted, remedial, pathetic, you're not the brightest penny in the foutain, the light's on but nobody's home, you can't count to twenty with your shoes on, you're a sorry excuse for a human being, you're fugly, you're dirty and you stink. You are an epiphany of stupidity.
For centuries, philosophers have asked the question "How stupid can one get?"; but looking at you one wonders if we really want an answer to that. Such stupidity bears not thinking too much about.
I could go on like that for hours, but I've had enough. I'm sorry, you are just too stupid. You are so stupid in fact you're probably thinking I'm not talking about you.
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