Disastrology

Originally published December 12, 2004

Saturn is in Aquarius, Jupiter in Orion and the Moon is in the gutter; so that will bring you money, happiness and health for the new year. Don't forget to send me the check when my predictions come true. Well okay, I'm not really an astrologist, and I'm not exactly doing this by the book; I suppose the real astrologists are shitting bricks while reading this. But since you're here, I would like to take this opportunity to ask you a few questions.

One thing that always intrigued me: suppose I read my horoscope, and that it forecasts a "sum of money" coming my way, does that mean that 500 million people will get some money today? 6 billion people on earth, divided by 12 signs, that's 500 million aquarii, right? Will 500 million librae find true love, while 500 million scorpios enhance their career prospects? Even factoring in the ascendants, that's well over a hundred occurences of a "sum of money". That's a lot of lucky people in one day: if a chacharrero finds a Pepsi can in a Mexico dumpyard, does that count as a "sum of money"?

When the horoscope guy gives me professional advice, does he know that I have no job? And when I read something like «small attentions will rekindle the flame with your loved one», me being a bachelor, how am I supposed to take this? It may be a little pathetic, but the closest thing I have ressembling a loved one is my computer; maybe I should offer it a modding for Christmas? I sure can't start giving flowers to my buddies, they'll beat the living shit out of me.

As a matter of fact, how does astrology work, exactly? The energy emanating from the stars in order to influence my life, where does it come from? Does it travel faster than light? Otherwise, how do two, five or ten stars in the same constellation, that could be separated by 10, 150, 20 000 light-years apart respectively manage to synchronize their energy broadcasts to have it land straight on my head, and all at the same time?

And how powerful is that energy? The Earth barely receives a billionth off all the energy emited by the Sun which is only eight light-minutes away; given that the sum decreases according to the square of the distance, there's hardly anything left after 40 light-years. While you're at it, you might as well be making predictions on the influence of the light-bulb in my living-room lamp on my love life, cause at this moment it's sending me a hell of a lot more energy than Sirius. Even if you suppose that the constellations are just used as a reference point and that the energy is actually coming from the planets, the principle remains.

And all the recently discovered planets, the ones circling nearby stars, how do they fit in on my celestial chart?

Speaking of other planets... as the earth circles around the Sun, the latter gives the illusion of moving around through the constellations: we call this the ecliptic, and that's what we made the zodiac with. Now, suppose that in the future we have colonized Mars or Jupiter's moons: the children that will be born there, say in january the Sun is in Capricorn on earth but there, from their point of view it is in Libra, or Leo, or just about anywhere: what is their astrological sign?

While we're at it: some day people will leave aboard colony ships for the stars: when they arrive at their destination, how will they know what sign they are? 5 or 10 light-years away, the relative position of most stars will not have changed significantly, but what guarantee have they that their new solar system will spin in the same direction or on the same axis. Maybe their polar star will be Vega for example. Will they have to overhaul the entire system? «What's your sign? Pegasus ascending Ursa Major». Southern Cross, is it a water sign, or earth or what? Even better, the children that were born during the journey, what's the deal with them? There's no sun in interstellar space, so no ecliptic, no zodiac, no astrological sign at all.

Or will they just pretend they're still on Earth, and keep the old system? Is there on our planet some sort of cosmic relay system that will channel stellar energy, add to it the planetary conjunction influence, and then send it all back to its recipient?

I wouldn't know, I have no experience in this, that's why I'm asking all those questions, I just want to find out; I only hope that some expert will explain it all to me. However, one thing I know for sure, no need to be an astrologist to make predictions, to wit:

For 2005*, I predict hurricanes, floods and tornadoes. The Middle-East will be in turmoil this year. Sex scandals will make the headlines. There will be bombing attacks in Israel, followed by reprisals towards palestinians. At least one satirical news site will make a joke about the terrorist state of alertness and Santa's sleigh. Michèle Richard will make an ass of herself. And you can count on me to come up next year and bug the shit out of you with "I told you so".

*Actually, that's pretty much my predictions for 2012 as well.

Let them eat s... cake

Originally published on December 27, 2009

At the last reckoning, the world population was about 6,8 billion; divided by 1 million tons, that gives 0,294 pounds, or divided by 365, 0,3656 grams per day. So if 100 millions tons of a given good is produced annually in the world, the equal share of each inhabitant comes to 36,56 g.

I went and perused production statistics of various basic food products. Some numbers dated back to 2006, and their accuracy is not always rigorous, but as a whole they give a rather good picture.

Whenever possible I substracted whatever was destined to cattle feed, or the production of ethanol fuel. So there is what each person on earth should be expecting to find on his plate every day:

23 grams of beef
35 grams of pork
6 grams of mutton
31 grams of poultry
19 grams of egg (about 1/4 of one egg)
44 grams of fish
200 grams of milk, 31 grams of cheese and 22 grams of butter
322 grams of vegetables and 135 grams of fruit
33 grams of maize
153 grams of wheat
36 grams of soy
149 grams of rice
152 grams of vegetable oil

If you have a hard time believing those figures, you are not the only one: I checked three times and I'm still convinced I fucked up somewhere, and if someone could point it out me where I would be very grateful cause I find it quite surreal that there are people starving to death on a planet capable of delivering nearly a kilo and a half to each and every one of its inhabitant.

I didn't factor in the food destined to pets; ah ha, here it is, the cause of world hunger, our cats and dogs. We should kill them all and eat them (yeah, I know, it's not funny).

As a closer, if each of the 6,8 billion earthling had a Toyota Prius, there would be enough gasoline at this moment to let each one of them drive 4,400 kilometers each year.

http://www.21food.com/news/detail10748.html
http://www.beef.org/uDocs/IssuesUpdate/Insight%20Jan-Feb%202009.pdf
http://www.pig-international.com/ViewArticle.aspx?id=27106
http://www.thepoultrysite.com/articles/918/food-outlook-global-market-analysis-poultry-meat
http://www.mydigitalfc.com/commodities/global-wheat-production-be-a-record-2008-09-report-261
http://nue.okstate.edu/crop_information/world_wheat_production.htm
http://www.foodproductiondaily.com/Supply-Chain/Record-world-wheat-production-forecast-in-2008-09
http://www.mydigitalfc.com/commodities/global-wheat-production-be-a-record-2008-09-report-261
http://www.rice-trade.com/world-wide-rice-production.html
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2148362/
http://www.greenfacts.org/en/fisheries/l-2/01-fisheries-production.htm#0
http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m3779/is_n48/ai_11907856/
http://www.fao.org/docrep/010/ai466e/ai466e09.htm
http://www.internationalegg.com/corporate/eggindustry/details.asp?id=18
http://www.dairyco.net/datum/milk-supply/milk-production/world-milk-production.aspx
http://www.rabobank.com/.../The%20world%20of%20vegetables_intro_tcm43-34783.pdf
www.fas.usda.gov/.../World%20Fresh%20Fruit%20Market%20(08-04).pdf
(and numerous others...)

Toaster meth

Originally published November 15 2005

I went on a lark and searched the web for those infamous recipes for methamphetamine, a.k.a. crystal meth. Didn't take me long: first site I've found gave me about half a dozen recipes, and none of them were alike. They had one thing in common though: all of them had a list of ingredients postal enough to discourage anyone with an IQ over fifty to stay the hell away from this shit. I mean, no kidding, muriatic acid? Aluminum dissolved in sulfuric acid? Prying open lithium batteries? Scratch away the sulfur on match cartons??? ...And you smoke that?!?

I have the conviction there must be a plot conspired by some tenebrous power to wipe the fucktards from our society. Or unless it's merely a manifestation of the collective unconscious. Whatever the case may be, those recuring fads of toxic drugs, extreme sports, road rage and jackass-inspired behavior seem to be the end result of the sudden realisation on the part of certain individuals that they represent a regression for the genetic pool of the species and that they should try to terminate themselves before they have the opportunity to procreate and so to perpetuate their defective genes. Well while you're about it why dick around? Crystal meth, fah, that's for sissies: I cooked you up a little special blend of my own, you let me know what you think. Come to think of it, I don't believe you'll be able to let anyone whatsoever know what you think or anything else. So without further ado, here's my recipe for "toaster meth".

You will need

30 grams of cyanide
300 ml of curare
1 kilo of Cyclon B
20 grams of cobra venom
50 grams of strychnine
A couple of grains of enriched plutonium (optional: that's just for the bling)
3 doses of ecstasy

Take the ecstasy, and wait for the effect to kick in. When you feel full of energy and boldness, invincible, capable of anything, in a word thoroughly and utterly shitheaded, mix the cyanide, curare, venom and strychnine, add the other ingredients and let seep for a couple of minutes. Gulp down the plutonium rinsing it down with the mix, and in your throes of agony open the box of Cyclon B and good ridd... well, okay, maybe not. Let's just say happy trails, you're gonna go far kid, you're gonna fly so fucking high. Dude, I'm like totally tripping to the extreeeeme, I'm in your faaaaace!!!!

For those who worry that I may encourage youth suicide, I mean sriously, do they really need any encouragement at this point? Be honest, it was just a matter of time. And this way, they won't spent the next ten years trying to steal your credit card or cart away your TV set to the pawn shop.

Think about it

Originally published July 7, 2007

You're still there? What do you want from me, a blog post? I'm busy, go to sleep. C'mon, hurry up, beddie bye. Allright, allright, quit looking at me with those sad puppy eyes. Here are some random observations on various subjects

If Coke Zero really has all the taste of regular Coke but without any calories, why do they still make regular Coke?

I heard somewhere that woman have a less developed spatial perception. But I don't agree: to manage to fully block a 10 feet wide supermarket alley with a cart that's barely 3 foot long by 1 feet wide, you need a hell of a spatial perception I'm telling you.

Woman allegedly put on make-up to please men; if that is true, why are we never seeing any guy in cosmetic ads, but there's always a mirror visible?

Is the host entirely assimilated by the digestive system, or is there some leftover? I mean, when a christian sits down on the commode on monday morning to take a shit, is there a little bit of the body of Christ getting out of his ass?

While we're on the subject, if God created man in his image, does that mean that God has an asshole?

The World Trade Center in Shanghai, which will be the highest skyscraper in the world, is gonna have a circular aperture near its summit. Did the architects thought about all the breakneck daredevil who will get in their head to go through that hole with their plane, their hangglider or God knows what?

The extra-terrestrials that conspired with the americans to supply them stealth technology, have they ever thought of using it themselves?

Athletes who are juiced are supposedly a minority. Is this minority more likely to be found in the middle of the pack, at the end of it or in the lead?

According to the principle of wishful thinking, if the players of a hockey team start to pray, they will win the Stanley Cup. So, if all the players from all 30 NHL teams start to pray, will they all win the Stanley Cup? The same year?